musicalrevelation's Blog

My second- best friend who is really my best friend is moving. She is moving away.

Get me a fuckin hero. And I don't swear that much. Give me a hero. I need a hero.

Today was kind of a miserable day. I am in a study hall now, with only one sixth grader named Tim at another table. I wonder where everyone else is- I wonder if I'm even supposed to be here. This morning was one boring class after another- talk, talk, talk. Although history class was actually pretty easy to understand, I was distracted the entire day. It's the whole "who-likes-who" thing- you know what I mean.

I am beginning to think that I am not supposed to be in the dining hall- everything is quiet and no one else is in here except for Tim and I. LOL. Lily just waved to me from outside.

I'm stressed. I think I like this guy that two of my friends are already fighting about. I don't even like him- I HATE him actually. I just don't get middle school. Everything is so confusing. Next year, I'll be in high school, and then everything will change even more. I just don't know, God. I just don't know. I need a miracle- someone to help me through.

6:20am:

"Get out of bed!!" my mom shrieks. I roll over, sighing, and slowly open my eyes, lightly dusted with sand. I go back to bed.

6:40am: I wake up again. 'That was a nice five minutes' I thought, then went out to the kitchen to check the time. 6:40?!? I gotta get ready!!

7:00: I rush out the front door and almost trip over my stepdad, rushing out to his silver Jeep Liberty. The cold is invigorating. I just want to lie there in the snow, enjoying the beauty, taking in the cold. But I can't. I have to get to school.

7:50: Heavily coated with freezing rain and snow, I sulk into homeroom, knowing that *gasp* CHARLIE BROWN IS TODAY!! "Julia's here," says Greg. I shrug and head to one of the back lab tables and say my number when I'm called. My heart starts to pump.

8:00: Guess what?? I get to miss first block to reherse Charlie Brown!! *HIGH FIVE* But Linus is not there...

8:30: Half hour before the play....still no sign of Linus ANYWHERE.

8:50: Okay. Where is she?!?! Major panic.

8:52: "You're going to have to be Linus," says Mrs. B, tying my hair back into a tight bun and placing a hat on my head. She hands me a baby blue blanket, and hands me a script. "Really?" I laugh. "Yes really," she says.

8:55: I already have to sing at the beginning! Now I'm Linus?? Better reherse...

9:00: The entire school came to chapel to watch 'A Charlie Brown Christmas'. Do you ever have one of those moments where you know you'll never forget it for the rest of you're life? There were no video cameras, no photos taken of that performance, but the memory of being Linus reminded me of what Christmas is all about. It brought me closer to the cast. My singing "Christmastime is here" at the beginning kind of blew...but that's ok.

So Linus came, after being stuck in traffic forever...I was really glad she came back, but also a bit sad. It was really fun playing Linus...it was...I don't know...it taught me something about myself. I'm not really sure what, yet. But it did.

SNOWBALL FIGHT!! After chapel, the entire eighth grade went outside to have a major snowball fight. I threw a huge snowball at Mr. Taylor!! LOL. Ben F. threw a snowball at me, but when I tried to retaliate I fell backward onto my back, then he threw a snowball at my face. Smooth. Real smooth.

The rest of the day was bland until after school. My friend Ben P. and I talked. He's awesome. He's the only one who really understands me and I'm the only one who really understands him. I just wish that someone- a guy- could be his friend. I know he feels alone. I know he does...btw he's CB (Charlie Brown).

So I left school at 5, then my dad and I had dinner at Chilis then went over to Best Buy to look at idiotic crap that no one needs or uses. Fast forward to an hour later- back at school.

6:45: "Julia, I'm nervous," says Grace.

"You'll do fine."

The truth is, I'm nervous too. I had to sing in front of all these people, and now I have to do it again- in front of the PARENTS. I help set up the stage, the props, help the costumes. Linus is all set, and the show begins.

7:30: The play is going amazing. I actually feel for people. I want to know the characters...my feelings are so mixed up right now you don't know how confused I am. Maybe I'm going crazy.

7:50: Now this is one of the moments that I will live for forever. I come out to sing 'Hark the Herald Angels Sing' with the rest of the cast, and we sing. It's beautiful. It's harmony. We bow, exit (after a long silence and a push from the director LOL), and then start freaking out backstage. I hugged everyone- including you-know-who. It was wierd, but kind of cool. I really don't know what my feelings are for him anymore...I'm so confused.

Something changed inside me today, but I don't know what. Today was almost a perfect day. It was as if something died inside me and something was born. It was wierd...but kind of cool. :-)

I think I've finally figured out the source of my misery. My misery: how can I explain? Alright. Let me explain.

So there was this guy. We'll call him guy A. I liked guy A and he liked me. My friend, guy B, told me that after I squeezed the information out of him. Thing is, guy B likes me too. Guy B tried to ask me out multiple times, but I said no. Guy B is cute and all, but he's very short and is like a little brother to me. And believe me-thats just plain awkward.

So lately I've been feeling less attracted to guy A and a bit more attracted to guy B. I don't know why, becuase guy A is much cuter, he is shy, sweet, in my grade and amazing. So I kept asking myself what the hell am I thinking? And I found out today.

See, when guy B was still trying to get me to like him, he would text me, call me, talk to me online, and would be like a best friend. He is still one of my only true friends and I love him so much as a friend. Guy A isn't exactly like that though- we're friends, and we talk online all the time, but not on the same level that guy B and I were- are- will ever be. I know that Guy B has some maturing to do before I'd ever like him, but the difference between him and guy A is he actually tried. Yes, Guy A does try online, and sometimes in person, but he's a lot shier about it. I also feel like I'm expecting too much of Guy A, and I don't know why.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that guy B has a more independent soul, but dating him just wouldn't be right though there is a part of me saying it would be fun. The other part is saying "Don't leave him behind."

What am I to do?

What am I to do...

So I ended up in the crew for 'A Charlie Brown Christmas', as you can remember, and ended up singing a little bit from the song today. He was there. HE was there. Wearing the black shirt and all, eyes twinkling, hotter than ever. I need to get a hold of myself. I really, really do.

Have you ever felt that someone likes you and you like them back, and you both know it but no one wants to admit it? I just want to give him a hug and tell him everything I feel. Only I can't do that. What kind of 8th grader can do that??? What kind of twelve year old, jean-wearing, pig-tail-ing, glasses-wearing, freak could tell him? He's turning fourteen in January. I wonder what I should do for his birthday. Nothing too creepy, or else I would die. It's just...he is so perfect. Maybe, maybe in high school he'll ask me to a school dance. Maybe...maybe he'll even ask me TO dance. Maybe I'm just dreaming.

I think I'm going crazy.

I had a total breakdown today. It's a long story- I quit horseback riding and my dad got pissed because he think's I'm:

-lazy

-unappreciative-

-lazy

-lazy

*NOTE TO SELF!!!* Do not kill...Thou shalt not kill.

First- I am NOT lazy.

Second- I appreciate him more than he thinks.

Third- I HATE LIFE RIGHT NOW!!

Do you ever get the feeling you don't know who you are anymore? That somehwere along the way you've lost yourself? Well, that's how I feel right now. Gosh, I hope he comes to church tomorrow. I just want to see him. Seriously. I really hope that he doesn't laugh when he hears my voice tomorrow during rehersal...please let everything be alright.

Do you ever feel...like you're different? Animal-like? Anyone? Please...?

Got to go clean my room....and practice.

I woke up this morning and stepped outside onto the front porch greeted by a wave of rain. I trudged to our (cold) car and took off for school. Had a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast...mmm....

School was annoying. At the beginning of the day, there are only a few people who are there, so they all just stand by their lockers while you don't have anything to do or talk about and are just bored. It's really awkward.

We also had a language arts test. After that, we had class after class, yadda yadda yadda. Finally someting interesting happened for once in my life when I happened to pass by the rehersal for Charlie Brown during lunch. I would've been in it since acting is my life, but I was already the lead in The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow this year, so our director didn't want to put me in both. I am in crew though, so he asked me to sing the opening theme 'Christmastime is here'! I am so happy.

For some reason, I am so distressed. I don't know why- everything is such a big grey smudge on a page right now.

My friend told me about the song Mood Rings by Relient K- OMG I LOVE IT!! It's so true. It's a guy saying that all the emotional girls should wear mood rings. It is so true. My friend and my other friend love it- only the other friend is kind of stressed and doens't want to listen to the song. I think I should give her more attention. You see, I have a few friends from different grades and though they're few they're close so I'm constantly being pulled around by four of them. I love them, but they're not exactly friends except for the first two. It's usually one vs. the other if you know what I mean. *Sigh*

I just tore apart my room looking for a mood ring- OMG I am so mad he is so annoying!!! HE CRASHED MY COMPUTER!!! SOMEONE GIVING ME A FREAKIN MOOD RING!!!!

I'm defying gravity- literally. I've decided to sing 'Defying Gravity' from the musical 'Wicked' for ArtsFest (a conert at our school in late May). Of course, I'll have to ask my music teacher, and he might say no, but I'd love to. It's November now, so I still have six months, but I just spent two hours singing it. This is what I want to do. I want to defy gravity.

I heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do ya?
Well it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya
She tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe theres a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who out drew ya
It's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not someone whos seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Yeahhh. I'm getting a skateboard!!! I finally convinced my mom and she said yes!!! I told a few people...they think I'm weird. They say I'm too girly to have a skateboard...I kind of disagree though...I like grunge, alternative, and dance music. I always wear black, and eyeliner, and black nail polish...I'm not a total girly girl...am I?!?!

I don't even know who I am anymore. I need to find myself. SOON.

Okay. So this is very deep and intense...not really. So my friend and I were talking about happy places...so we both made up our own. Wanna hear mine? If not, too bad. If so, keep reading!!

My happy place- Camp Grotonwood at night on the beach...a small, secluded beach with forest trees surrounding...the moonlight bouncing off the calm lake...stars twinkling in the sky...a clear, serene night...laying on the beach...I'm ten pounds lighter LOL...he's next to me...shirtless...with jeans...lying next to me on the soft sand...the wind whistles through the pine trees, and water sloshes quietley....and his eyes reflect the moonlight. Mmmm.....nice happy place, huh?

Well I gotta go....draw my happy place!! LOL.

I'm feeling better, but do you know how hard is to stay home for the entire day wondering when he'll return home so you can talk to him on chat? Becuase I'm going through pure hell right now. Pure hell. AHH!!!!!! And...wow I just realized why he's not home. He's taking a history test...wow I am such a stalker.

My little brother is on my bed, watching an episode of 'Caillou' on demand (On Demand- that's how much he loves it) and arguing that he wants to dance. haha. I told him to get back on the bed or I'll punch his face in. Haha.

I hope his does well on his history test. I wonder how the people at school are doing. God I love his hair.

Wow, like just WOW. So I'm staying home from school today, and HE was on my school's website like a minute after i got up. AGHHHHHHHH.

Listening to Radar by Britney Spears, and the person she's stalking is some freaky polo dude who wears tight pants. I mean REALLY tight pants. I go riding and its just wrong.

Well I guess I should start celebrating Thanksgiving...yayy.

Today wasn't as great as I thought it was going to be. I come to school early just to get ignored by everyone. I had almost lost my voice and was shunned during math class because people thought I had swine flu. The day was boring, and my best friend didn't come to school. She NEVER comes. It's like two days a week she's never there, and every time I ask her about it she's all happy and "Oh yeah my hair wasn't straight" or "I was just tired" and idiotic crap like that. I don't think she's my best friend. Other people such as my friend Ana are better suited becuase I can see them once in a while.

On top of all that, I got a C on a math test, and I'm an A's and B's student. NOT a C student. But right about now I'm too tired to think of all that crap. Just too freaking tired.

There is one good thing though...the guy who I really like is really hot...that's about it....but whatever. I hate everything. I just want to go to bed now...can't wait until Thanksgiving vacation.

Yesterday was so much fun. After embarrasing myself (which btw was not fun), we performed our last production of 'The Legend of Sleepy Hollow'. These are the days that I will remember for the rest of my life....I had so much fun!! Afterward, we watched a hilarious video made by our schools' film club that was to the tune of some stupid Veggie Tales song- the high schoolers are so funny!! We also watched the Disney version of Sleepy Hollow and had a great time ridiculing it. It was so fun...but also a bit saddening. HE was there....I <3 him.

Currently I am listening to Kiss 108- 'You Belong With Me' is on...that song is way overplayed...just saying...

A writer, singer, actress- who loves life. I play Katrina Van Tassel in my schools 'Legend of Sleepy Hollow', but I have a really sore throat right now. Good thing I'm being micked!!! (that means microhponed btw)